...or the Truth about Proverbs Revealed!
(this is a re-post of an entry originally written November 27th, 2005)
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
- Yes, but there are also sharks...and they'll eat you!
There’s more than one way to skin a cat.
- But the end result is always a sticky screaming skinless cat.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
- Unless of course, it happens to roll through a patch of sticky, stone-sucking moss....found primarily in England.
There’s no accounting for taste.
- Which is why you don't see many successful Taste Accountant Offices around.
Time heals all wounds.
- Except for a severed head.
Two heads are better than one.
- See the above proverb to understand why.
Variety is the spice of life.
- Cannibals can come in all shapes and sizes.
Walls have ears.
- I suggest that you start wearing tin-foil and keeping to yourself.
A watched pot never boils.
- Unless of course you fill it with water and put it over a heat source, dumbass.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
- I dare you to refer to a woman as "gander" to her face.
When it rains, it pours.
- Unless it's just a slight drizzle, you gloomy bastard.
A woman’s work is never done.
- Which is why I suggest that you beat her....she's making a fool out of you.
A word to the wise is sufficient.
- The wise tend to bore easily.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
- But shit is still the best fly bait of all.
You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make him drink.
- But you can drown that ungrateful bastard of a horse.
You cant fit a round peg in a square hole.
- Unless you were to use tools, which is what got us all out of the jungles in the first fucking place!
You cant make a silk purse from a sows ear.
- And, seriously...a silk purse won't go with your new Sow Ear dress you made.
You cant squeeze blood from a turnip.
- Not without first soaking the turnip in blood for a minimum of 24 hours.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
- But a bullet in his brain will keep him away for good, and you could stop eating all those god damned apples.
Beauty is only skin deep.
- Yeah, tell that to the screaming cat.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
- The main reason world domination has never been achieved by those in cahoots with mice.
Better late than never.
- Not wise to say when your job was simply to deliver life saving medicines.
Blood is thicker than water.
- Which is why a turnip needs to soak in it for so long.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
- Stupid people tend to babble on and on and on...
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
- That is of course, unless you worship a Mud God, then the cleanest of people are obviously witches and should be burned!
Cold hands, warm heart.
- The beginnings of hypothermia.
Curiosity killed the cat.
- No, the skinning of the cat led to it's death...let's not blame how it got there.
The devil is in the details.
- Which is why the Cliff Note version of the Bible is so popular in churches.
Don’t cry over spilt milk.
- Unless your captor swore he'd fucking kill you if he returned to find the milk spilt...then cry your eyes out bitch!
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
- Unless you have reason to believe that it swallowed your keys...it's a far worse thing to just gut the horse in front of the giver without first being sure.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
- That is, unless you happen to have a bath-water baby....then by all means throw it out....what would the community think?
The early bird catches the worm.
- But in the end, it's still a worm and tastes like ass...I suggest sleeping in and then having some coffee.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
- Why then, have people not made their fortunes as cloud miners?
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
- Smart people stink and have no friends.
Give him enough rope and hell hang himself.
- Which is far better than giving him the materials to make a shiv to stab you with!
Haste makes waste.
- The reason behind the low cost of housing near Haste Factories.
He who laughs last, laughs best.
- Those that tend to chuckle first get the ever loving crap kicked out of them.
Ignorance is bliss.
- Yes, everyone on Jerry Springer seem so damn happy.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
- Which fails to explain why plagiarism is so ill received.
Knowledge is power.
- Really really smart people could power a city block, while those that are merely clever struggle keeping a string of xmas lights lit.
Love conquers all.
- This explains why Hitler lost...he just didn't love enough.
The meek shall inherit the Earth.
- It is very likely that the Great Meek Uprising will happen in your lifetime.
Old soldiers never die; they only fade away.
- So what exactly is buried in those cemeteries neighboring Veteran Hospitals?
A picture is worth a thousand words.
- Photographers are the most boring people on earth.
Out of sight, out of mind.
- Blind people are all insane!
Poets are born, not made.
- But ignored by everyone else nevertheless...now mimes, they are made in labs!
Procrastination is the thief of time.
- When Procrastination was finally arrested in '73, nearly three hundred years was discovered in the crawlspace or buried in the backyard.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
- Even the very best of pudding photographs can be faked, plus then you'd have to listen to the damn photographer for at least a thousand words!
The worm turns.
- Yeah...wait, what?!