How Kirk Douglas Freed the Potatoes.....

As I'm sure you all are aware, St. Patrick's Day (the Irish national holiday which celebrates the life of St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland) is just around the bend.....a day in which all the world is allowed to become Irish for a day (except for Canadians) due to the little known fact that St. Patrick was NOT Irish himself, but had been born in Britain and had his first tour of Ireland when he was abducted into slavery during his teens by Irish raiders. On a slightly related note, let me say here that I am also looking forward to Spartacus Day, when everybody can become Kirk Douglas for the day (except Canadians).

St. Patrick's Day has also become a very educational resource for many non Irish peoples, seeing as it had finally been successfully campaigned as a day to showcase Ireland and Irish culture. Just a few of the things we can learn about the Irish from this holiday is that everything is green, everyone is drunk, a woman is known as "lass", many Irish men like to embarassingly yell "Woooooooooo!" when there is even the very slightest chance that they might see a lass's breasts, many Irish like to wear green bowler hats and you can piss anywhere that you like.

This is all new to me. My earliest memories of St. Patrick's Day involves being pinched constantly due to the fact that I neglected to wear any green item that day.....probably because of my French descent, which prohibits me to be part of any other culture, but does allow me to ask those same cultures for help when my country is invaded by a large foriegn power or by a little girl armed with a sling-shot and a nasty disposition. But the fact of the matter is that I learned to wear green in order not only to avoid being pinched by my fellow smug classmates, but also to become one of said classmates and exercise my right to inflict pain on those who had yet to learn.
This brings me to my proposal for an update on this tradition, keeping in mind that it has been several decades at least for people to get in step. I propose that we no longer just pinch the offending parties, but beat them silly in the streets as examples. I believe that this will fit in easily with the drinking as well as with the bowler hats and public urinating.
All those in favor, wear green this Saturday....except for Canadians.