"Things were bad, But now they're good...FOREVER!!", Dr. Zoidberg

It has been written, in some book that I can't remember the name of right this moment, that God created the world in six days....which, as someone who has browsed every channel on cable tv, I would have to assume was a lot of work. On the seventh day, God had a cigarette, which is why so called health experts and others of the non-smoking variety claim that it takes seven days before those that are quitting the addiction start to feel any real relief. This, of course, is complete anti-tobacco leftist pinko bullshit!
Here's some science for ya: some self-proclaimed "really smart" guys have established that there are 5 stages to death....that is, that one typically goes through five different emotional stages after losing someone close to them. These stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. These are NOT separate stages for five total days! For some, these stages can take weeks, months, even years.
Now, those who are quitting smoking go through a similar series of stages, known as the 4,367 stages of quitting smoking....which contain the previous mentioned five, plus Screaming, Uncontrollable Blinking, Flatulence, Wrath, Unconsciousness, Stabbing, Fear of Toast, Oprah Watching and Acute Sensitivity to Bad Fashion.....just to name a few. And to think that someone can accomplish all of these stages in under a weeks time is not only laughable but should be punishable by death!

I have learned yesterday from my friend Clint, that I am now on my twelfth day without a smoke. I actually had no idea because it's hard to keep track of the days when you spend them screaming at the hallucinations to quit poking you with their tridents. Is it getting any easier you ask? Fuck you! Haven't you read anything I had written above?! Ok, sorry....that was as uncalled for as your stupid fucking question. I apologize.
In all honesty, no, it's not actually any easier right now in the sense that I don't feel any better and the cravings really haven't started to lessen any. What HAS changed is my risk of actually giving in and running down to the corner convenient store to buy a new pack....mostly due to the fact that I chewed off my own feet somewhere around the third day or so....I do believe it's the loss of blood that is causing the trident impaling hallucinations, though the anti-smoking voodoo witch doctors would have you believe otherwise.

Now, if someone could be so kind as to call for help.....and bring me a cigarette.......for the love of God!!!!